Not my favorite by a long shot, but the most appropriate way to transition from the last question about cheese to tonight's question about the Eagle's Offensive Line.
For anybody watching Sunday night football, it is painfully obvious that the Eagle's offensive line died in a fiery tragic plane crash and has been replaced by the cheerleading squad for the local pop-warner team. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to create a new, celebrity O-Line for the Philadelphia Eagles. Celebrities must be alive presently (Which unfortunately means that Elvis in his final, fat years is not an option, nor is the Buddha) and for those of you who don't know Football that well, they should be fat, that's kind of the idea of an O-Line.
Yesterday's: I'm going to give the co-champs to Nick and O-Train. I can eat Ricotta straight out of the container by the spoonful, and provo is wildly underrated.
O-Train
I'm voting for provolone because it hasn't been mentioned yet, and it's underrated as a cheese. It can be mild or incredibly strong, and is fantastic on veal, chicken or eggplant parm.
Also, it was immortalized in an episode of The Sopranos where Silvio Danta (Steve Van Zandt) is losing at poker, and one of the underlings is trying to sweep a piece of cheese away from his feet in the middle of the game. He says, "Leave the fucking cheese there, all right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? Now leave the fucking cocksucking cheese where it is! Here, here, here. (Throws cheese from his plate onto the floor) Go ahead! Have a good time!"
Nick:
It's gotta be ricotta, because it's used in cannolis AND can be used for lasagna and stuffed shells and stuff like that.
Game over, it's a cheese that can be used in Italian desserts and meals. It literally may be the most perfect thing ever to appear on this planet.
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3 comments:
Left Tackle - Michael Clarke Duncan. He's huge and I bet he moves well enough to play the second most important position in football
Left Guard - Nick Cardamone - I have very quick feet and balance, and sometimes surprising strength for a midget. Plus, then I could stay fat and not feel guilty about it. As far as my fame..just give it a few years bitches. (<----lies)
Center - Paris Hilton - Because there may be no one alive with more experience putting balls between her legs. I'm also counting on the ridiculous stench to keep people from engaging an anorexic offensive line
right guard - Ethan Suplee - Lost some weight, but he's still a big dude, and I think he's a good bruiser for another interior line spot
right tackle - Kirstie Alley - I'd put one of those pie on a stick things hanging from her helmet in front of her facemask and then tell her go go get it, then just send a running back following her.
Left Tackle: Rosie O'Donnell. Fat, butch lesbian who hates men? I think she'll do just fine protecting Donovan's back (as long as he doesn't make fun of her haircut, right Mr. Trump?)
LG: Oprah Winfrey. Is she fat or thin today? At any rate, she's really intelligent and since O-Linemen are supposedly smart people, she'd do well in a leadership role and can balance the personalities of the unit.
C: Star Jones, the fat days, provided she doesn't eat the football before she snaps it.
RG: The Rock. He was just in a football movie, played D-line in college at Miami, and would bring some experience to a green unit. Oprah will be the inspiration, but the rock will bring the talent. Besides, every time he got a pancake, someone could yell CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN?
RT: Al Roker, the fat days. It's gonna rain pain and solid blocking
Left Tackle: Beth Ditto. Kind of the poor mans Rosie O. Big pissed off lesbian. Only she's younger and is in a band called the Gossip.
Left Guard: The mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape." She can just sit there and not move (assuming she even can). She could take up at least half the field for sure.
Center: James Gandolfini (or the guy who plays who Big Pussy Bonpensiero). I mean...it's the Sopranos. don't mess.
Rigth Guard: Mo'Nique. She's that broad who hosted Flavor of Love: Charm School. If you mess with her she will bend you into a pretzel and then EAT you.
Right tackle: Meatloaf. When he was in "Fight Club" with the man boobs. "this is bob. bob had bitch tits."
Yeah...best celebrity O-line EVER!
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